I Felt the End Before It Came: Memoirs of a Queer Ex-Jehovah's Witness

*SHORTLISTED FOR THE GRAND PRIX DU LIVRE DE MONTREAL* A PUBLISHERS WEEKLY BEST BOOK OF 2023 I spent eighteen years in a group that taught me to hate myself. You cannot be queer and a Jehovahs Witnessits one or the other. Daniel Allen Cox grew up with firm lines around what his religion considered unacceptable: celebrating birthdays and holidays; voting in elections, pursuing higher education, and other forays into independent thought. Their opposition to blood transfusions would have consequences for his mother, just as their stance on homosexuality would for him. But even years after whispers of his sexual orientation reached his congregations presiding elder, catalyzing his disassociation, the distinction between in and out isnt always clear. Still in the midst of a lifelong disentanglement, Cox grapples with the groups cultish tacticsfrom gaslighting to shunningand their resulting harmsfrom simmering anger to substance abuseall while redefining its concepts through a queer lens. Can Paradise be a bathhouse, a concert hall, or a room full of books? With great candour and disarming self-awareness, Cox takes readers on a journey from his early days as a solicitous door-to-door preacher in Montreal to a stint in New York City, where hes swept up in a scene of photographers and hustlers blurring the line between art and pornography. The culmination of years spent both processing and avoiding a complicated past, I Felt the End Before It Came reckons with memory and language just as it provides a blueprint to surviving a litany of Armageddons.