?eing sometimes Deaf and sometimes Hearing, being able to speak well and not hear well, and being able to sign fluently in American Sign Language yet being unable to live in the Deaf community, tormented me for most of my life.??Joanne Weber
In facing her torment, Weber had constructed in her imagination ? deaf house? There, deafness was a sense of personhood, not a hearing loss. There, language could be scorned and dismissed. Those who could not cope with the house rules became powerless people who were doomed to live in the attic or the basement. In the deaf house there was no dilemma of how to choose between adopting a Hearing identity or a Deaf one, because it was a place without such reckoning.
This is the story of how Weber underwent a radical change that would allow her to reclaim her life, her husband, and her future with her children. It is a story of shape-shifting, or becoming someone else by understanding the power of paradox and confronting the politics of language. Where once two languages struggled for domination in Joanne? marriage and her family, she would adapt to controlling the struggle and understanding that her identity was not at risk within the struggle. But how she could ever explain to anyone, even her parents, that she liked being deaf and wanted to be deaf, would be an obstacle that few, if any, would ever understand.
Although profoundly deaf, she spoke fluent English with her husband and daughters. At the same time, she fiercely clung to American Sign Language in order to maintain her identity. As a young mother, Joanne became an observer of the intimacy between her husband and their daughters and witnessed the dominance of the spoken English they shared. As her sense of isolation built, Joanne separated from her husband and began the task of raising her two daughters alone This move ironically exacerbated the difficulty of living solely within the hearing world, especially in the professional and social arenas of Joanne? teaching life.Reflecting on herself through the eyes of others who knew her as a child, through her parents, her university experience, and through the profound insights offered by her students, Joanne begins to change. Though the challenges of working within prescribed government systems, and the continued oppression of curricula make her want to fight furiously with these powers that be, she begins to understand that she cannot make this fight by herself. With her daughters lobbying for a reunion with their dad, and with her own weariness of restlessly moving on from one unsatisfying job to another, a long and prodding realization began to take shape. She knew she still loved the father of her children, but could she resolve the old struggles if she contacted her husband to try and continue a marriage again?Though her love of family remained a compass, the reunion renewed once again a nearly unbearable tension as Joanne struggled to resolve the politics of language and culture in her own home. Even her love of literature and the seasoning of travel offered little respite from the nagging demons of how her compromise could kill her spirit. But she knew she had made changes and now, by keenly observing her own Deaf experience, by drawing from her love of American Sign Language and English literature as mirrors into her own soul, she began an arduous journey toward wholeness. Her story continues and her struggle has not yet seen an end.
